Friday Fictioneers: Then we were one
For Madison Woods‘ Friday 100 word photo-prompt(picture above)-flash-fiction challenge. This is nearly 200 words- a little long this week.
The sky was turning. Above her the dark grey swiftly overshadowed the blue. She looked up, soon the last light peering through that canopy would give way to the night. She needed to get out yet her legs were heavy. She stood still, her mind giving in to that tired body. Her rear end sank slowly to kiss the brown avoiding puddles from remnants of old rain and when her seats found comfort, her body collapsed. The ground that was beneath her now surrounded her. She snuggled, deepening into it. Eyes closed she felt the earth as it hugged her gently, caressing her and wrapping its cool brown arms all around her. The smell of the earth travelled through her nostrils and she sunk heavily sobbing, whispering for mother earth to swallow her within the depths of its caress. Her teardrops seeped into the ground carrying her deep desires before a silence loomed over them. Then the rain came. Pouring down it washed away the skin that once separated her soul from the earth. And she became one with it, forever.
Very touching. The visuals are amazing. I love the use of the words….Here’s minehttp://theforgottenwife.com/2012/05/11/friday-fictioneers/
thanks for those kind words. I like how you likened the moonlight to “love tried and true.” It is usual to equate love to heat and burning passion, but this is nice and comforting..yes coolness is gentle….
Thank you. It didn’t seem right to use anything else 🙂
Very well-crafted piece. I agree it has strong appeal to all of the senses. The word choice maximizes the impact nicely.
Thanks for the encouraging words Jeffrey!
Very poetic imagery. Like crying on a friends shoulder then making gentle love and fading into oblivion. Nicely done.
Wakefield
http://www.wakefieldmahon.com/1/post/2012/05/the-good-old-days-friday-fictioneers.html
I like the image of the earth, a cool, gentle, nourishing, and comforting warm love. mine is here: http://readinpleasure.wordpress.com/2012/05/11/fridayfictioneers-tanoas-baby/
thanks! yours was haunting…liked how you ended it, her mind snapped like a twig…
Very creative take on the photo prompt. I guess we all go back to the earth eventually.
My story is here: http://bridgesareforburning.wordpress.com/
Thanks! Yours had a nice touch of humour in it!
I like it for some reason I get the visual of a dying horse was this intended?
Mine is http://createrealitylivelife.wordpress.com/2012/05/11/friday-flash-fiction-2/
Not really, it was just a tired tired girl, but you could interprete it any way you feel 🙂
Strange and lyrical, your story was an evocative take on the photo prompt. Well done.
Aloha,
Doug
http://ironwoodwind.wordpress.com/2012/05/10/last-of-the-first/
Thanks Doug for the encouraging words.
Sad but comforting at the same time. Thanks for reading mine.
Haunting piece. I visualize her sinking to her demise in quicksand. Horrible thought but that was the image I got. Here’s mine:
http://www.triplemoonstar.blogspot.com
I don’t know if it was intended but what I get from this is great sorrow and desperation. In a way that you can relate. I know what I’m trying to say but don’t know how to say it. Anyway… this was beautifully written. Something about these lines really got me
The smell of the earth travelled through her nostrils and she sunk heavily sobbing, whispering for mother earth to swallow her within the depths of its caress. Her teardrops seeped into the ground carrying her deep desires before a silence loomed over them.
Thank you Emma. Yes I think she feels a deep sort of sorrow and desperation to be taken out of there…
Great descriptions in this one. The word choice, and the sibilance especially, give the whole thing a nice comforting rhythm which really fits. Also reminds me a bit of a Crosby Stills and Nash song, ‘Find the cost of freedom.’ Nice work (sorry for the late comment).
Brian (http://pinionpost.com/2012/05/11/the-runaway/)
Thank you Brian, glad you enjoyed the story as I did yours.
Rainang, this is an absorbing piece, evoking a feeling that that I know I have felt in the woods. It is a universal feeing, too; I think this is how an animal would choose to die.
However, I am going to suggest your writing mechanics could be improved, making the story easier to scan. Mostly, it is punctuation, and most of that is the use of commas. Here are some examples of where I would have put commas:
“get out, yet her legs…”
“brown, avoiding puddles”
“the ground, carrying her deep…”
And one case where I would use a semicolon:
“avoiding puddles from remnants of old rain; when her seats found comfort…”
Please accept my apologies if you find these comments out of order.
Thanks for the tips Carlos will bear that in mind…glad you did enjoy the piece despite the mechanics 🙂
very pretty imagery you got there!
Thanks Sonia 🙂
I enjoyed your story and could feel the deep despair (and finally comfort in returning to the earth) of your narrator.
Thanks Madison am really glad u enjoyed it.