Friday Flash: Walls
To my future husband,
Happy valentine’s day! I was sure I would meet you today if I were not behind these walls.
It is a beautiful day from where I am. The sky is a deep shade of light blue, almost grey and the white fluffy clouds are pregnant, but not quite ready to shower us with the goodness of fresh rain. I always imagined how I would meet you, under the rain somewhere. You with a yellow umbrella, ready to shelter the girl who is soaking wet. But behind these walls I am always dry, no need for yellow umbrellas. I know though that you are out there waiting for the day to save me from the rain.
Wait, for I shall be out soon. Out where I can smell rain, and touch the green green leaves I so miss.
I sat and thought a bit about what I have done, and I just felt the need to write this letter to apologise, to you. I am sorry. I really do wish I was innocent, just for you. Perfect, creamy smooth porcelain, that had not been broken into. But I am not, my flesh had desires that took hold of me and I have pierced, used, bantered and broken. Most of the experiences unpleasurable, especially after. I should have listened to mother.
I am sorry. I really do wish you were the first I had ever fallen in love with so I could discover the newness of love, with you. But I had not been good at guarding my heart, allowing it easily to be taken. And then crushed. I wish that you were the first I would have used my new eyes for, and you were the first to awaken that deep intense burst of helpless desire to want. Because then it would never be crushed and I would live, in bliss knowing nothing else about love but its goodness.
I am sorry. I really do wish I could keep hoping for you. Then I would have not needed to be in here for that damned act. I wish I restrained myself, and showed you how much I actually do respect relationships, marriage, and love. Instead I broke in and stole. Murdered the creature and came out an unbeliever.
The unbelief that has led me to this place, within these walls.
And I really hope I pay my penance as fast as I can and heal quickly from broken dreams and a shattered heart so I can dream and love again. For you, with you.
But until then please wait for me, with that yellow umbrella. I need you to, for otherwise there shall be no reason for me to fight these walls.
The walls will be coming down soon. I promise.