Dear Sir – for DraftSpace April
You will probably not lay eyes on this letter, and as I read it aloud to Sophie who is beside me I hope that the spirit of it gets to you. She has read hers, and now it is my turn.
I am sitting here remembering that night last week when we lay on the sofa staring at the apple green candles underneath the bunch of chrysanthemum flowers you had bought me. While we had nothing much to say, or do, I very much enjoyed having you there with me. I feel those times we share are so few, not enough. And it is mostly because I am lifted when you are around me.
You know, I often feel a fear within me each time I leave your company, a fear that I may never see you again. Partly because we never say when, and partly because I do very much look forward to it. So much so that I would most of the time put aside all I am doing and jump out to see you the minute you ask. I sometimes wish I were not so obsessed, so wanting of your company. But I cannot help it. I always want to see you with such an urgency. And now? Even more so my heart longs for you.
You know sir I woke up with a funny feeling. Really. A sort of cloud was around me and when you left me at the airport and waved saying you’d see me in a couple of days I waved back silently. That same fear welled up so deep within me my limbs ached. It made me so sad – yet I could not cry. I have cried so much for you, over you that I think I am exhausted within me, too much to be broken by that fear again and again.
How I wish I knew how to make the most of our time. That evening before I left for the airport should not have been wasted thinking of other things. We should not have wasted time rushing, shouting or shrinking back in pride. I now wish I had been less self-absorbed in the car just so we could have laughed a bit more, hugged a bit longer without caring what others would think. I could have reached out a bit more if I did not constantly worry about getting rejected. I wish instead of putting up defenses I gave you my deepest kiss and all my warmth and love, because now, I need them no more – what was I saving them for? I think where I’m going, love will be in abundance – no need to figh for it, nor seek it the way we do. It shall be in full, rather than this starving skeleton we know it to be, so used.
You always told me to be careful what I wish for. I have often wished my life would be short. Maybe that is why you often felt I was not enough for you to embrace fully, to let in completely. Maybe you knew deep inside I would not be sticking around for long. Fair enough, I understand now that we were probably never meant to share that life, with that depth I had often yearned for – not even for a little while.
We are lost my dear sir, very lost. The crew mentioned that something was amiss and we are floating about mid air, on empty. And none of us know what is going on. All I see out the window is darkness. Below us, I believe, is the ocean that will swallow us deep into its depth and darkness. We will eventually erode and be eaten until we become one with the sea – all that is physical about us anyway. Our spirits though I believe will soar.
My dear sir, I feel more than ever this darkness that lurks and looms, and I feel it close in on me tight. The others on the plane seem to think now that these are our last hours and the couple beside Sophie and I, who were strangers before the start of the flight, had taken to giving their last hours to fucking – and they have been at it for the longest time, with the wildest abandonment. Everybody else is too turned in to their own worlds to care. Many are wailing, as they come to accept that we may be gone forever. And many are lost, grieving for the loved ones they would never see again. I wish I held onto you a second more, a minute more, an hour more. People are losing their facades revealing their deepest truest feelings and you knoww hat sir, this is what I wish I could tell you, nobody is expressing their hatred. Some sit in fear but most have turned their thoughts to the ones they love. You see sir, I am most comforted by this – that most hearts turn back to love at the end.
My thoughts intermittently turn to God, and I am praying, my hands are cold. My restlessness has passed. I think of the ones I love so dearly, my family, whose love I never for one moment doubted. My heart breaks when I think of their hearts. How they would break at the news. Please tell them not to long for me, do not yearn for me sir, I shall be gone, I shall be watching, and I shall be happy.
As much as I, in my vanity, do not want to let go and want so much for all of you to hang on to our memories, I know that I only want much happiness for you. For all of you, I pray for fullness within all of your hearts despite the hole that will be in the shape of me. May my absence be a fullness in the form of the good times, the memories, the lessons, the love that I have hopefully given with all of myself.
Sir, if you hear me, pray for us that if death be our only salvation, it comes upon us swiftly, quickly and painlessly. I also pray that when death confronts my dear ones it may be merciful. Please have full lives, and a joyful one too.
In a while I will come to know the truth as it is – pure in all its fullness, unhidden by the world. What I always thought I knew I may find to be false, but I know this that I love all of you and as I say that my heart aches, a deep ache. It is the truth. Despite myself, my selfishness and my lack, the times I had not been enough, despite all that I love all of you with all my heart.
And all I can do is to hope that I have lived well enough. That I have loved you all well enough and done the best I can.
Their faces appear before me now as I kiss them all a kiss goodbye with all the love I have. I see your face sir, and I kiss it with all of me. I am holding onto that face when I close my eyes. Sophie has closed hers and in a moment I think we will begin remembering, telling each other stories of the ones we love so as to preserve them forever. Those stories will carry us to our deaths. Thank you dear sir for all you’ve been to me.
Funny I thought my heart would break, but it is still there, aching.
My heart still longs to see you. I hope that I shall see you again. But till then, I love you, I love you, I love you.
Yours till the end,